There are plenty of wonderful Christmas songs out there. Songs that warm our hearts and remind us what Christmas is all about. They’re songs that make us happy – make us smile and wash away all our troubles. This is not about those songs. Here are my picks for the top five worst Christmas songs ever.

5. “Mele Kalikimaka” by Bing Crosby – I don’t really have a problem with Ol’ Bing of course but I do have a problem with this Christmas song. It’s about Christmas in Hawaii and I am a firm believer that Christmas should be cold and snowy. Hawaii shouldn’t even be allowed to have Christmas. They should have their own version of it called Hawaii-mas which would include singing songs like “Tropical Wonderland” and “Frosty the Igneous Rock Formation.” I have a Bachelor’s in Biblical Studies so I can say with complete authority that Christmas lights on palm trees make Baby Jesus cry.

4. “Hands (Christmas Version)” by Jewel – All I have to say about this “Christmas” song is that adding jingle bells to your normally non-Christmas song does not suddenly a holiday song make. It’s generally required that you actually sing about Christmas, Santa, or Jesus – not how small your hands are.

3. “Same Old Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg – Nothing says “Christmas spirit” like a song about two old has-beens drinking warm beer in a car and lamenting the lives they could have had with each other. Making only a passing mention of Christmas this dirge has somehow become holiday “favorite.” Really it’s about being depressed. If you don’t feel like slitting your writs at the end of this dreary, turgid song then you, my friend, are made of pure sunshine. This terrible ode to lost loves doesn’t ignite feelings of Christmas cheer and it doesn’t make me reflect on good times or appreciate what I have. It makes me want to do one single thing: give Dan Fogelberg and old fashioned Christmas punch in the face.

2. “A Baby Changes Everything” by Faith Hill – Really the biggest problem with this song is where Faith Hill sings about how the baby is going to change all of Mary’s plans. Really? Just what kind of plans does a first-century Hebrew girl have, exactly? Was she hoping to try out for Palestinian Idol? Did she hope to get her mystery novel writing career off the ground? Did she want to be a Solid Gold dancer? Unless you were rich your plans in the first century were the following: not die. That’s pretty much it, but thanks for trying Faith Hill.

1. “The Christmas Shoes” by Newsong – This is by far the worst Christmas song ever penned by human hands. If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s about a man, mildly annoyed by having to wait in a line. He sees a child who is desperately trying to acquire the titular “Christmas Shoes” and the boy doesn’t have enough money. Okay… that’s not so bad but here’s the twist – the boy’s mother is mere minutes away from death!  Moved by the child’s selflessness, the man gives the kid the extra money he needs and feels good about himself and Christmas once again.

What. The. Heck.

Seriously? This is just wrong on so many levels. Since when was Jesus so concerned about people’s footwear? Is there some passage in the Bible that says, "Yea, and Jesus separated the sheep who had nice shoes from the goats who had ugly shoes. Good shoes did thusly go to the right and ugly shoes to the left. And unto those who had Jimmy Choo shoes thus the Lord spake, "Yea verily, you...look...FABULOUS!"

Oh, and I’m sure if you’re dying the foremost thing on your mind is having nice pair of shoes to show off to the Lord.